8. The Great Demotions

It is currently 2:39am the night before my next therapy appointment. Since the last post, I have had three sessions, and despite being convinced about the importance and the need to make regular updates on each of my sessions, I have failed to do so. I remain stuck in my temporal vortex. I put off doing things I know I need to do, including writing these posts, I procrastinate and, on the whole, avoid important things. This is one of my major struggles, so this is actually highlighting to myself that this is another priority area I need to be working on. I am quite certain this avoidance behaviour is a type of coping mechanism:

In psychology, avoidance/avoidant coping or escape coping is a maladaptive coping mechanism characterized by the effort to avoid dealing with a stressor. Coping refers to behaviors that attempt to protect oneself from psychological damage ... Avoidance coping, including social withdrawal, is an aspect of avoidant personality disorder, but not everyone who displays such behaviors meets the definition of having a personality disorder [Wikipedia].

Psychology Today lists 9 types of avoidance coping to look out for, and I am copying them down here to see which ones I identify most with.

• 1. You avoid taking actions that trigger painful memories from the past.

For example, you avoid asking questions in class because it reminds you of a time you asked a question, and the teacher embarrassed you. Or, you avoid going to a professor's office hours because she gave you a disappointing grade last semester and the thought of approaching her retriggers your feelings about the grade. Avoiding things that trigger difficult memories is one of the most important and common types of avoidance coping.

• 2. You try to stay under the radar.

People who have a sense of defectiveness often try to stay “under the radar.” They often fear things like being kicked of university, or their success feels fraudulent to them. They feel like if they're noticed, their flaws will be revealed.

• 3. You avoid reality testing your thoughts.

For example, you’re worried your child is on the autism spectrum, and you put your head in the sand or just read stuff on the internet rather than seek a professional assessment.

• 4. You try to avoid the potential for people being mad at you.

For example, you avoid asking for things you want in case the person gets mad at you for asking. People who are very concerned about others potentially being mad at them might just be people-pleasers, or they may have anxiety about rejection. You might’ve had experiences of anger leading to rejection, or just have an anxious attachment style. In most situations, anger doesn’t lead to rejection. Often trying to avoid experiencing other people being angry backfires and you end up doing things that are more likely to cause anger e.g., you avoid telling someone you can't go to an event, squeeze it in and then end up arriving really late.

•  5. You have a tendency to stop working on a goal when an anxiety-provoking thought comes up.

For example, you tend to quit difficult goals or tasks if you start thinking “This is hard” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to do this.” Accept that these types of thoughts are often par of the course when working on difficult goals (Also make sure you’re taking enough breaks).

• 6. You avoid feeling awkward.  

You avoid potentially awkward conversations not so much because you fear the consequences but because you have a tendency to avoid any feelings of awkwardness. When you start allowing yourself to experience awkwardness, you’ll realize it’s not that bad, and you can cope.

•  7. You avoid starting a task if you don’t know how you’re going to finish it.

Don’t worry about all the steps, just do the first logical step. Action is much more likely to produce new insights than ruminating.

•  8. You avoid certain physical sensations.

This is especially common in people prone to panic attacks. Examples:

- Unfit people (and people with panic disorder) sometimes avoid sensations of exertion e.g., avoid getting their heart rate up during exercise.

- People with body image issues might avoid sexual sensations that activate their body image concerns.

- Overeaters sometimes avoid feeling even a little bit hungry i.e., they eat before they feel sensations of hunger.

• 9. You avoid entering situations that may trigger thoughts like “I’m not the best. I’m not as good as other people.”

If your sense of self-worth is based on being better than average in all important areas, you’ll struggle with situations that trigger unfavourable social comparison. This can really hold you back from improving in areas where you’re not strong. Practice exposing yourself to people who are better than you in areas where you’d like to improve. Expecting yourself to be better than average at everything, or expecting yourself to be good at things with extensive practice, is a recipe for misery! 

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Based on the above, I immediately relate most to areas 2 (especially feeling like a fraud - I know this is a big topic in academia and is known as imposter syndrome), 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 (this last one is also closely linked to imposter syndrome I think). I don't consciously avoid painful memories from the past but I also acknowledge that this is probably working subconsciously as well in some way, so I can add number 1 as well. 

Luckily I have notes on my previous three sessions so I can still write them up and reflect on them properly, but I need to do this while the memories are still fresh, and with every new session the details begin to blur together. I think my first step is to consciously block off time, let's say on Saturday, to do so. Otherwise, I will do what I always do and just do things when I 'feel' like doing them. This whole topic is so important since just yesterday I was supposed to have a meeting about a research project which I postponed to Friday for no other reason than feeling very anxious and panicky about it. There is so much to do overall, but I think, no I know, this adds to my paralysis. 

I have often considered the Eisenhower decision matrix, but I know it alone doesn't work for me:

I struggle and have always struggled, to stick to any kind of schedule or structured time-table. The instant I try I feel so overwhelmed with pressure and panic I fall off the rails completely at the first difficulty or missed target. I flee from discomfort and seek safe, familiar grounds. Sometimes I fall into spirals of watching random Youtube videos all night until 5 or 6 am. Number 5 above speaks directly to this. Finding a way to set up some kind of more flexible schedule that is not fear-driven seems like a good objective.

Acknowleging the problem is my first step. Not doing so, as Carl Sagan put it in Pale Blue Dot, "amounts to willful disregard of the evidence, and a flight from self-knowledge."