8. The Great Demotions

It is currently 2:39am the night before my next therapy appointment. Since the last post, I have had three sessions, and despite being convinced about the importance and the need to make regular updates on each of my sessions, I have failed to do so. I remain stuck in my temporal vortex. I put off doing things I know I need to do, including writing these posts, I procrastinate and, on the whole, avoid important things. This is one of my major struggles, so this is actually highlighting to myself that this is another priority area I need to be working on. I am quite certain this avoidance behaviour is a type of coping mechanism:

In psychology, avoidance/avoidant coping or escape coping is a maladaptive coping mechanism characterized by the effort to avoid dealing with a stressor. Coping refers to behaviors that attempt to protect oneself from psychological damage ... Avoidance coping, including social withdrawal, is an aspect of avoidant personality disorder, but not everyone who displays such behaviors meets the definition of having a personality disorder [Wikipedia].

Psychology Today lists 9 types of avoidance coping to look out for, and I am copying them down here to see which ones I identify most with.

• 1. You avoid taking actions that trigger painful memories from the past.

For example, you avoid asking questions in class because it reminds you of a time you asked a question, and the teacher embarrassed you. Or, you avoid going to a professor's office hours because she gave you a disappointing grade last semester and the thought of approaching her retriggers your feelings about the grade. Avoiding things that trigger difficult memories is one of the most important and common types of avoidance coping.

• 2. You try to stay under the radar.

People who have a sense of defectiveness often try to stay “under the radar.” They often fear things like being kicked of university, or their success feels fraudulent to them. They feel like if they're noticed, their flaws will be revealed.

• 3. You avoid reality testing your thoughts.

For example, you’re worried your child is on the autism spectrum, and you put your head in the sand or just read stuff on the internet rather than seek a professional assessment.

• 4. You try to avoid the potential for people being mad at you.

For example, you avoid asking for things you want in case the person gets mad at you for asking. People who are very concerned about others potentially being mad at them might just be people-pleasers, or they may have anxiety about rejection. You might’ve had experiences of anger leading to rejection, or just have an anxious attachment style. In most situations, anger doesn’t lead to rejection. Often trying to avoid experiencing other people being angry backfires and you end up doing things that are more likely to cause anger e.g., you avoid telling someone you can't go to an event, squeeze it in and then end up arriving really late.

•  5. You have a tendency to stop working on a goal when an anxiety-provoking thought comes up.

For example, you tend to quit difficult goals or tasks if you start thinking “This is hard” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to do this.” Accept that these types of thoughts are often par of the course when working on difficult goals (Also make sure you’re taking enough breaks).

• 6. You avoid feeling awkward.  

You avoid potentially awkward conversations not so much because you fear the consequences but because you have a tendency to avoid any feelings of awkwardness. When you start allowing yourself to experience awkwardness, you’ll realize it’s not that bad, and you can cope.

•  7. You avoid starting a task if you don’t know how you’re going to finish it.

Don’t worry about all the steps, just do the first logical step. Action is much more likely to produce new insights than ruminating.

•  8. You avoid certain physical sensations.

This is especially common in people prone to panic attacks. Examples:

- Unfit people (and people with panic disorder) sometimes avoid sensations of exertion e.g., avoid getting their heart rate up during exercise.

- People with body image issues might avoid sexual sensations that activate their body image concerns.

- Overeaters sometimes avoid feeling even a little bit hungry i.e., they eat before they feel sensations of hunger.

• 9. You avoid entering situations that may trigger thoughts like “I’m not the best. I’m not as good as other people.”

If your sense of self-worth is based on being better than average in all important areas, you’ll struggle with situations that trigger unfavourable social comparison. This can really hold you back from improving in areas where you’re not strong. Practice exposing yourself to people who are better than you in areas where you’d like to improve. Expecting yourself to be better than average at everything, or expecting yourself to be good at things with extensive practice, is a recipe for misery! 

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Based on the above, I immediately relate most to areas 2 (especially feeling like a fraud - I know this is a big topic in academia and is known as imposter syndrome), 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 (this last one is also closely linked to imposter syndrome I think). I don't consciously avoid painful memories from the past but I also acknowledge that this is probably working subconsciously as well in some way, so I can add number 1 as well. 

Luckily I have notes on my previous three sessions so I can still write them up and reflect on them properly, but I need to do this while the memories are still fresh, and with every new session the details begin to blur together. I think my first step is to consciously block off time, let's say on Saturday, to do so. Otherwise, I will do what I always do and just do things when I 'feel' like doing them. This whole topic is so important since just yesterday I was supposed to have a meeting about a research project which I postponed to Friday for no other reason than feeling very anxious and panicky about it. There is so much to do overall, but I think, no I know, this adds to my paralysis. 

I have often considered the Eisenhower decision matrix, but I know it alone doesn't work for me:

I struggle and have always struggled, to stick to any kind of schedule or structured time-table. The instant I try I feel so overwhelmed with pressure and panic I fall off the rails completely at the first difficulty or missed target. I flee from discomfort and seek safe, familiar grounds. Sometimes I fall into spirals of watching random Youtube videos all night until 5 or 6 am. Number 5 above speaks directly to this. Finding a way to set up some kind of more flexible schedule that is not fear-driven seems like a good objective.

Acknowleging the problem is my first step. Not doing so, as Carl Sagan put it in Pale Blue Dot, "amounts to willful disregard of the evidence, and a flight from self-knowledge."

7. Through a Glass Darkly

 Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

Another (unproductive) week has passed, and it is time again to reflect. The past week's therapy session dealt with a particularly difficult topic, leading to even more of a propensity for me to put off writing my weekly post about it. However, I am proud that despite these feelings, I am here. The topic was my upbringing and major themes related to it. I call this traveling on the hard gravel road of therapy, since it is not an easy thing to do but still gets you where you need to go. It is a necessary journey to make towards healing. 

During the session, it was evident that discussing my upbringing, and my parents elicited a fierce physical reaction, and I was quite violently shaking for the entire duration. This is further proof that there can be no distinction between the mind and the body since these are merely different aspects of the same phenomenon, namely that of a complete person. Therefore if the mind is unwell, or one is bottling up particularly painful memories and feelings, it must have an effect on the body. Similarly, talking about or releasing these memories and feelings can produce a physical reaction. This tells me I'm on the right path and dealing with something of critical importance to my well-being. I think it was because, for the first time, I could freely express how I experienced my upbringing and my relationship with my parents, and have my feelings validated and recognised. For me, there were also connotations of fear and emotional pain associated with these. After my session, I was completely physically and mentally drained for the rest of the day.

Nevertheless, directly after my session I wrote down the main points raised or insights gained as to not allow them to be forgotten. I continued this through the week as new things popped into my mind. Perhaps this means it's good to wait a few days to process the session before writing about it.

As I noted before, I like to think in metaphors, analogies, and similies, and in this case, it is no different. Because we were dealing with such a foundational topic - one's childhood, upbringing, and parents necessarily must have a profound impact on one's lifelong development - I liken my current transformative process and ways of looking at these foundational issues here to three images. These will be explored in turn, beginning with a mine.

The Mine of the Mind

I use my beloved similies and figures of speech to help me make sense of things. For the process of therapy and catering to one's mental health, I like the image of a mine - in this case, a mine of the mind. A mine like the one shown in the image has many levels where side tunnels go off in various horizontal directions. I like to think of the terrain here as being made up of memories, experiences, thought patterns, beliefs - all the mental things we accumulate over our lives. For most of us, self-reflection will be quite superficial, and only involve looking at the most recent, surface level, issues, but when one engages in a therapeutic process a mine is built (perhaps signifying the expert help and guidance of the councillor or psychologist), and during the process of therapy one then descends to deeper levels to begin digging in the mental sediment for clues. This is not always easy, and in fact, becomes more difficult the deeper down you go. The very deepest level is, of course, that of your upbringing, your early childhood in particular. Digging here can create earthquakes due to the cumulative pressure of so many years, thoughts, memories, and beliefs. I like to think this was the shaking I experienced during therapy. It is indeed here where the greatest insights and treasures may be found, dug up like old bones for examination - interrogated for their secrets. Long buried, forgotten, seemingly lost in time, these fossils, like the truth they are, are "always there, whether we see it or not, whether we choose to or not. The truth doesn't care about our needs or wants, it doesn't care about our governments, our ideologies, our religions. It will lie in wait for all time" [Chernobyl HBO series].

The Ancient City

The second major image is that of an ancient city, much like Jericho, shown above. Similarly, we are built up over the ages of our life, flaws and ruins included. Jericho is one of the oldest inhabited cities in the world, with an "oval mound [which] stands 8-12 meters (26-40 feet) tall above the lake bed, a height made up of the ruins of 8,000 years of building and rebuilding in the same place" [https://www.thoughtco.com/jericho-palestine-archaeology-of-ancient-city-171414]. This is of course directly linked to the mine above, which in a sense diggs into the earth to investigate the remains of the older cities - you as you were at different ages - to see how you changed and evolved, and to identify where flaws or skewed beliefs were built into the succession of cities. This is a very relevant analogy for the themes discussed in this week's therapy session, as highlighted below. 

The Jovian Moon

Being a passionate lover of astronomy, I am familiar with Jupiter's moon Europa. This is another useful analogy since the crust of Europa consists of a thick layer of ice, under which there is strongly suspected to be a liquid water ocean 60-150km in depth. This is one of the best candidates for finding life beyond the Earth in our own solar system. The value of this image for the discussion here relates to structure and agency. The issue of structure and agency will be discussed in further detail below, but here it suffices to say that no matter how skewed or flawed one's 'mental city' is due to unhealthy early influences (and accordingly to what extent one is bound by mental, social, familial, or historical structures), one always retains the power of agency to confront this past and work towards healing. Even recently I was so suicidally depressed I would refuse to believe this, thinking I was eternally doomed, so why not commit suicide now and save myself unnecessary pain. But now that I've begun setting out on the hard gravel road of therapy, I begin to see how my future is not preordained to suffer from the torments of my past. This is all anchored by the belief, and the hope, that healing is possible. In this way, I, like Europa, was bound in ice, deposited over the years of emotional neglect and torment I suffered as a result, and yet, deep under the ice, liquid water is beginning to flow. Change is in the air. In moments when I begin to see the sediments of my past more clearly, and how they need not bind me forever, I, again like Europa, have my liquid water - momentarily - burst through the ice. Despite the pain, my essence remains.

Childhood Emotional Neglect

When I recounted my history (my therapist emphasised that we all have a history - his story), it was quickly apparent that I did not have the happy upbringing I would have wanted. While my parents always catered to my material and physical needs, there was a severe lack when it came to my emotional needs. This is the basic definition of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), which I had long suspected I was a victim of: "Identified by clinical psychologist Jonice Webb, childhood emotional neglect is 'a parent's failure to respond enough to a child's emotional needs.' When that happens, there's no way for a child to know if their feelings are valid".

This is probably why I shook so violently during therapy - this lack of validation was finally being treated by confiding in a neutral but compassionate observer, namely the therapist. I suspect that many of my weaknesses listed in the previous post can be attributed to this CEN, such as low self-esteem, low self-belief, feeling worthless, feeling ugly, not fitting in, etc. My therapist mentioned attachment theory in terms of my discussion of my past. This is described as: "Attachment theory states that a strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver is critical to personal development. John Bowlby first coined the term as a result of his studies involving the developmental psychology of children from various backgrounds". This attachment was to a very large degree absent from my upbringing. There are many examples I can also offer to testify that my parents never saw my beliefs or opinions as valid, or validated them.

Even this year, when my mother's dog, now cared for primarily by my father, clearly had an ear infection, but every time I mentioned this, I was told the dog was not really shaking its head or doesn't really look ill. Recently, the poor dog was taken to the vet for another matter, and a bad double ear infection was discovered, which took some time treat. Even in the past few days, my dad said Molly is like a new dog after the ear infections were cleared, and I was badly tempted to say, I TOLD YOU something was wrong many months ago! But any time I try and push my point, for instance, that there was something wrong, my dad would just get rapidly irritated and dismiss me even more (it is clear he values other people's input but not my own unless it directly benefits him like setting up his smart tv, then suddenly I'm told I'm smart and a genius. My dad also has extreme anger issues and growing up was like walking on eggshells). Just imagine growing up with two parents like this - all the time. Like my therapist said, anyone who went through this would experience severe - and if untreated lifelong -  torment. Even now I continuously have to justify everything I think in my own mind to myself. In this way, the dismissal of my beliefs, opinions, wants, needs, and value as a human being was internalised all these years. It also explains why it pains me to do even small things, nevermind big things, without having thought about and planned every detail. I carry my mental shackles with me wherever I go. I have high levels of anxienty in general. I will leave further examples of this CEN for other posts, including my mother's death since even on her deathbed she could not say she loved me. 

I am reminded here of Ubuntu, a concept I have used in my research work - distilled into meaning "a person is a person through other people". My therapist here told me that what we think of as our own 'self-image' is really in truth the image of us by other people, mainly our parents, that gets implanted and ingrained into our minds. The example of being told you are worthless, or stupid, and this then becoming a self-belief or self-image, literally how you define yourself, is clear. This reminds me to write a post at some point about our personal mythologies and the importance thereof. I knew, even from a very young age that something was wrong in my household. As a young child, I clearly remember telling my mother she didn't really want me, in our parked car in front of a shop. As I recall, she responded with something like she was glad she got a boy so she wouldn't have to teach a girl how to cook and do other things stereotypically associated with the female gender. This, in itself is very telling. My parents had been married for 10 years before my birth. Maybe I really was unwanted. This pains me deeply. It is the deepest level in my mine.

My therapist reiterated that we would mostly be working with the present in our sessions, but that the present has deep roots in the past, as I have attempted to illustrate through my analogies above. She said she will confront my false beliefs. I cannot say I am not afraid. As I said in a prior post, sometimes our pains become part of our dearest illusions, but to be a scientist we must - like I wrote about Kepler before - prefer the hard truth to our dearest illusions. We must, as Tina Turner put it in her autobiography: 

What was it like when I walked out and left Ike? Yeah - I was afraid. But sometimes you have to let everything go - purge yourself. I did that. I had nothing but my freedom. My message here, and I hope that there is a message for people in this book, is: If you are unhappy with anything - your mother, your father, your husband, your wife, your job, your boss, your car - whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out. [I remember reading this as a teenager and immediately resonating with the parents part]

We must, in this sense, break the flawed mirror of our implanted self-image and build a new one on firmer foundations. Like Harry Belafonte put it, 'house built on a rock foundation, it will stand, oh yes'. 

Hosanna, rain come wash on it
Sun come shine on it
Storm can't blow it down
This house will always be
This house will always be
It will be strong you see.

Earlier I mentioned agency and structure. One of the best ways to think about it in this context was written in a research methods book I have cherished for years.

The critical researcher says that people have a great deal of unrealised potential. People are creative, changeable, and adaptive. Despite their creativity and potential for change, however, people can also be misled, mistreated, and exploited by others. They become trapped in a web of social meanings, obligations, and relationships. They fail to see how change is possible and thus lose their independence, freedom, and control over their lives. This happens when people allow themselves to become isolated and detached from others in similar situations [or prefessional help]. The potential of people can be realised if they dispell their illusions and join collectively to change society [or themselves]. People can change the social world, but delusion, isolation, and oppresive conditions in everyday life often prevent them from realising their dreams.

Thus we retain our agency or ability to act, even if it is so constrained, and it is why I must act now. So many years have been spent suffering and in isolation. I missed out on so many things that people do in their youth by cloistering myself in the act of self-protection (since my self-images have made me believe this flawed image of myself is true, and others will reject or mock me). Being gay complicated matters much more, since I didn't know or accept myself and couldn't even begin to express myself or speak my truth into my 30s. I have never known love or been in a relationship. I have only one main friend from my school days who lives on the other side of the country, whom I see maybe every second year. I never go out, even to the movies, on my own. I cannot face people, I look away from them, I avoid them, I fear them. The bullying I experienced at school (even primary school - and when I told my mother, she said I must have done something to make people treat me this way) has remained close to the surface of my life. I don't yet know how I can heal or recover from all this. But I must before I have no life left. This is one reason I couldn't commit suicide - if I had, then my whole his-story would have been one of pain, with no possibility of recovery. Now I still have hope that I can have many happy years ahead, even if the journey to get there will be painful and difficult. I am escaping the hall of mirrors in which I was trapped.

My parents, I am sure, were trapped in their own way by their painful past. My mother's mother was by all accounts, quite a cruel woman who kept toys hidden away in cupboards, which could not be played with, merely held and returned. My father's father was a deeply depressive drunk who died from his drink when my father was 12. These no doubt left deep scars. And yet, what I cannot understand, my mother had, I gather, a good relationship with her father (who died before I was born), as did my father with his mother, and yet neither ever made any attempt to heal or remedy their emotionally shallowness and deficiency. Now imagine - I had two such parents - how much worse off am I not, and yet despite suicidal depression here I am, trying. Maybe there is more to their stories that I will never know of, but they were unaffectionate - even to each other - and hugs, kisses, 'I love yous' and other critical building blocks of a happy life were entirely absent from our home. As my therapist said, it was not at all out of character for my mother to hide her deadly illness or not return my 'I love you' said to her on her deathbed. However, I can say this generational pain ends here. I will be the Great Wall. If I ever do have children (yes gay people certainly can have them), they will only know life beyond the wall. And so will I.

I think the term gaslighting is another important one to remember for the future. Beyond neglect, as the above example of my father and poor Molly showed, I certainly am a lifelong victim of this:

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic in which a person, to gain power and control, plants seeds of uncertainty in the victim [I think even if they are not doing it with a specific agenda it can still happen]. The self-doubt and constant skepticism slowly and meticulously cause the individual to question their reality ... Additionally, the movie Gaslight also touches on how gaslighting can lead to the victim developing a form of Stockholm Syndrome. The victim becomes so uncertain of their sense of reality that they are now solely dependent on the gaslighter [here I am, still living with my parents/dad, any coincidence?]. From https://www.thrivetalk.com/gaslighting/

This needs further investigation and unpacking in future posts. My therapist also spoke about the child in all of us. I still carry that child's pain, but also that child's hope and creativity. He is still alive.

As my therapist also asked, what now? I don't know. I suppose uncovering these truths, and then questioning and confronting them, and replacing them with new healthier ones, is a start, as is looking at the past and my family setup from a different perspective. I must keep walking along this hard gravel road. As my therapist said, ultimately what I went through was not about me. This is one of the major insights I took away from the session.

My final quote here is from Star Trek: The Next Generation when Picard's brother lay out a simple choice for him after he suffered a great tragedy and wanted to start working in an undersea research base essentially to escape from the pain. I slightly adapt it here to fit the context. I took face this choice and choose to live above the clouds.

This is going to be with you a long time Jean-Luc, a long time. You have to learn to live with it. You have a simple choice now - live with it below the sea [escaping, contuing to live in misery] or above the clouds with the Enterprise [doing what you love, following your passions].

[Addendum: during the writing of this post I developed another headache and eye twiches - further signs I am right to express my pent-up thoughts on this subject.]